Thoughts

November 13, 2024

Apologies

I haven’t read the news since November 6, and I’ve been avoiding my daily podcasts. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I’m so afraid, I’m frozen and can’t take any more in. Maybe I’m blind with hope that now that he’s successfully avoided prison, he won’t have the energy or motivation to do the crazy things he said he would.


Maybe I’m so angry, I can’t see straight enough to read anything but headlines. Maybe I no longer trust the media outlets I once did. Maybe I don’t want to see any stories about What Happened and Why Kamala Lost and What She Should Have Done Differently.


Right now, I only want apologies. I want to hear the media say they’re sorry for not acknowledging the trends in the polling they incessantly reported on. I want to hear every news organization own their role in what has become a choose your own adventure of sources, where people can easily avoid hearing things they disagree with.


I want an apology from social media. I want Zuck to own up to more than just Russian interference. I want to hear him say he’s ushered in a nation of zombies, locked in to nothing but an endless scroll and an insatiable need for validation.


I want to hear Democratic politicians apologize for their blindness to the structural racism and sexism in our institutions. For believing, and encouraging us to believe that electing a Black woman was possible here, now. 


I want to hear Republican politicians apologize for following rules that allowed this man to run and win and break all the rules. For loving power more than the people they represent and the country they claim to serve.


And I don’t even want these apologies for me. I want them for my daughter who missed the voting age by 49 days. I want them for Black women - the only demographic that didn’t shift to the right this year.


Apologies can be hard. It’s a lot to ask. I’ll start. 


I’m sorry I didn’t break Vote Forward’s rules, and I kept the messages I sent to swing state voters “non-partisan.” I regret letting my introvert, chicken shit tendencies win, and didn’t bother phone banking or door knocking. I feel bad that I took the day after Election Day off for myself to recover, instead of taking Election Day to help drive people to the polls.


I’m sorry I don’t know my neighbors, and that I didn’t put up a Harris Walz sign in solidarity with the one house on my street that did. I regret assuming that MN would easily go blue - watching the scroll at the bottom of the screen show how long it took Amy Klobuchar to take the lead, and how very long it took the news to call MN for Harris was eye-opening. I was wrong to figure that our loyalty to Tim Walz would prevail as it had 1984, when 49 states re-elected Ronald Reagan and MN alone stuck to its own Walter Mondale.


I’m sorry I didn’t join the Indivisible group I follow on Facebook, after feeling slightly unwelcome at events I attended in 2017. I regret not showing up with them to stand on bridges with Kamala signs or hand out flyers at the mall.


I’m sorry I didn’t give more money. I was wrong to think $1 billion was enough and that $25 more wouldn’t have helped. I feel bad that I gave in to the annoyance and just started deleting the endless stream of emails and texts. I regret letting my privilege blind me to the reality of the danger.


I’m sorry I stopped trying to figure out how to get my weekly Facebook posts also onto Instagram, and that I didn’t try to grow my connections there. I regret thinking that my half-assed attempt at making a difference would be enough.


I’m sorry to everyone who voted for Harris. And to people too young to vote this year. And to every marginalized community, now at even greater risk. I’m sorry to immigrants, regardless of legal status, and to everyone around the world who will be in greater danger because of the incoming administration. 


And mainly, primarily, most importantly, I’m sorry to the Black women of this country. You have been working so hard and surviving so much, and we have let you down, again, in such an enormous way. 


I am so, so sorry.

November 9, 2024

What I Hope and What I Fear 

I wrote this about a week before the election, just to get it all out of my head. I'm not sure if any of it is helpful now, but here it is:

What I Fear

If Trump Wins


I worry about everything he has said into a microphone and in private. Dictator on day one. Using military forces against the enemy from within. I’m afraid that he’ll start rounding up brown people, regardless of their citizenship. I’m so afraid that he’ll actually open internment camps. 


I’m afraid that he’s spent the last four years finding people who will do his bidding, and endorsing them into positions of power, and he’ll appoint even more. I’m worried he’ll have the full congress to do as he pleases. He already has the court. 


I’m worried that people who like his bluster and arrogance and power, but don’t love everything he’s trying to do - I’m worried that they’ll stay silent in the face of what might be coming. I’m worried we’ve already lost the people who admire everything about him. And if those of us who see through his facade aren’t enough to keep him out of office, will we be enough to resist him when he’s in?


And I’m so very worried about WWIII. I’m worried that he will let Putin take whatever land he wants, up to and including NATO countries. I’m afraid of what will happen in the Middle East. I’m afraid of him buddying up to Bebe, and I’m afraid of China and Russia and N Korea joining Iran, and the US being powerless against leaders with no moral compass, who will not think twice about sending infinite numbers of soldiers, or using horrendous methods, or the actual cost of deploying the nuclear weapons we all have pointed at each other. 


I’m afraid that a Trump win will be the end of the American Experiment. That’s it - it lasted 250 years and ended in tyranny. All Democracies do. What more could we expect from a country that started with genocide and slavery?

If Harris Wins


I’m afraid of violence. I’m afraid that what happened on Jan 6 could happen anyplace around the country at any time until the election is certified. I’m worried that the violence at the Capitol on that day may not just be outside it, but inside as well, with Trump loyalists in offices of power, refuting the results. I’m afraid that Trump has laid ample groundwork to claim that this election is not free or fair, regardless of the evidence - or lack thereof. 


I’m worried that Harris will never get a chance to take the office she wins. 


And if she does, I’m worried about the level of backlash she will receive - online, on tv, in person. I’m worried that we will continue hearing that every single thing that’s wrong, including things that have been wrong for decades, is her fault. 


I’m afraid that all the racism that had been buried in the 60s and started bubbling to the surface during Obama's presidency will burst through full force. I’m worried that the sexism that reemerged during Hillary’s campaign will become rampant. And I’m worried that Kamala Harris and all Black women will have to survive more than they’re dealing with already. 


I’m worried there will be fissures and splits within our institutions, including those we’ll rely on to get us through whatever is going to happen with Russia and Ukraine, Israel and Iran, Palestine, China, N Korea, and NATO. I’m worried Harris will struggle to walk the line between our avowed alliance with Israel and the fact that they are committing genocide. I’m worried that she cannot stop WWIII.


I’m afraid that someone smarter and crueler than Trump is watching and learning how to take his place. And next time, things will be so much worse.

What I Hope

If Trump Wins


I hope the fever will break. I hope that people on the fence who voted for him because they can’t not vote R, see through his first action as a dictator. I hope he continues to spout hatred and nonsense so that more people wake up. I hope they/we can act before he does. 


I hope the politicians who are towing his line just to keep their own jobs join those who have refused, calling out their colleagues for installing an autocrat. I hope congress comes together to enact laws that limit his power and change the court. I hope voters continue to vote out his lackeys and vote in reproductive rights in every state. 


I hope everyone has kept their pussy hats. #MeToo expanded after 2016, and took down giants. We opened the blinds on sexual assault in Hollywood and business; I hope another Trump win will be the catalyst for even more change. I hope we can go after corruption of all kinds in the corporate and non-profit worlds, in government and the courts, in the military and beyond. I hope we can unify to fight the fascist and racist actions he will try to take and that we can prevent as much as possible. 


I hope we’re ready. I hope those of us with privilege will keep paying attention, and use our power to help others. I hope we won’t get lulled into assurances that the bad things aren’t happening to us. I hope our nervous systems can handle what’s coming. 

If Harris Wins


I hope for relief. I hope for a return to normal politics that most of us can generally ignore. I hope those in congress who are ready to do their jobs, and have only stood with Trump to get reelected, will stand against those who only want to fight her. I hope she can get things done.


I hope we can heal. I hope we do the work required to find common ground and acknowledge the pieces we can give up or set aside in order to move forward, together. I hope those of us who have always seen Trump for what he is will graciously walk beside those who begin to realize it, and demonstrate both patience and resolve with those who don’t. I hope we can all collectively begin to move on. 


I hope she is ready to face the world, negotiating as no president has been able to do before, with both Putin and Netanyahu. I hope she calls out atrocities and those who allow them, while strengthening bonds with (most of) our allies. I hope she can prevent war. 


I hope we can move forward, facing the challenges we’ve been ignoring and those we’ve been arguing over for too long. I hope we’re ready to roll up our sleeves and work. 


Mainly, I hope for a peaceful transition to her presidency. I hope the bluster will fade and people will go home. I hope her detractors find the risks of random violence too great. I hope her supporters don’t gloat. 


I hope for peace, at home and abroad.